Bird Brained

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go to the bird section and Sean says to Paddy; “Dat”s Dem”. The shopkeeper comes over and asks if he can help.

“Yeah, we”ll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere”, says Mick, “Put dem in a pepper bag”

The shopkeeper does as asked and the two pay for the birds and leave. They get into Mick”s van and drive until they reach a cliff with a 500ft drop.

“Dis looks loike a grand place”, says Mick.

He then takes the two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as his friend drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a loud “Splat!”

As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head.

“Focket Dat,” Paddy says, “dis budgie jumpin” is too dangerous for me…”

A few minutes later, Seamus approaches. He too has been to the pet shop and is carrying the familiar ‘pepper bag.’

Seamus pulls a parrot out of the bag and Paddy notices that in the other hand Seamus is carrying a gun.

“Watch this Paddy” he says, as he launches himself over the edge of the cliff.

Paddy watches as half way down Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot”s head off. Seamus continues to plummet until he joins Sean”s mashed remains at the bottom of the cliff.

Paddy shakes his head and says, “An oim never troyin” that parrotshooting oider…”

After a few minutes, Danny strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and walks up with his ‘pepper bag.’

Danny pulls a chicken out of the bag. He puts the chicken above his head, holds its legs and launches himself off the cliff with the same result.

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

“For me life Danny, first der was Sean wit his budgie jumpin, den Seamus parrotshooting and now you fockin” hengliding…”

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Bar Gator

A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It’s about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, “Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a bitch outta here. It’s going to bite one of my customers and I’m going to get sued.”

The guy says, “No no no, it’s a tame alligator. I’ll prove it to you.”

He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator’s mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator’s mouth and zips up his pants and says, “See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?”

The drunk down at the end of the bar says, “Yah, I’d like to try it but I don’t think I can hold my mouth open that long!”

Missing Dog

An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. He takes out an ad in the newspaper, but two weeks later,

there’s still no sign of the mutt. “What did you write in the ad?” his wife asks. “ ‘Here, boy,’ ” he replies.

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Birds of paradise

Yo mama so fat, when she was a baby, she took a bath with a rubber albatross.

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Children and Cars

Children in the backseat can cause accidents.

Accidents in the backseat can cause children.

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